A night after a party

hey guys its been a while since i posted something, cuz i am very busy with my rotation, will talk abt it sometime in the future.

Today its more of a genuine rant abt things, since it is my blog and despite how childish i felt abt this but i don really bother haha.

I was invited to a mini party ish gathering today for someone's birthday. This person... well i am not sure how to catergorise him, but i guess i will explore tat in the future, but yeah i was invited by his friends.

Throughout the party, I struggled a bit, i am not quite sure y. I was tired and uncomfortable, but i tried my best to mix around, so i guess its not obvious to other friends.

I think... the main problem is that... I felt alone in the whole party.

Our Asian batch was divided into two main fractions, the directs and the transfers (ppl who came into the batch in their third year). And i was the only one from the direct batch.

So....

Its kinda annoying to be honest, i was able to mixed with them, but I had to pretend to ignore their inside jokes, their tease with each other, their playful bickers, their sudden whispers so that I wont hear their mini secrets, their next grand plans of hanging out. The wave lengths are all wrong, and i had to tune myself.

I was welcomed, but was treated as an outsider at the same time. Then the cake came, and they presented their present to the birthday boy. All the joy while I just look on.

I do appreciate their gesture of including me, the sole dude from the other cohort to this gathering. But looking at them, from time to time, it makes me feel tat: whats the point? Why i have to put myself through this, i might as well go back to my comfort zone, with friends from my own fractions.

Even after a whole year.... (we r fourth year now) i guess things don really change. Then y bother?

At the end of the day, as i parted ways with all of them, i will still be alone, walking back to my home.

As the birthday boy went on hugging each and everyone of his friends out of thanks, i just silently moved out of the way, because i don think i deserved it and i doubt he noticed anyway.

Am i sad?

Am i disappointed?

Mayb i am. But mostly i am just tired.

But looking at the bright side, at least they invited me in the first place, mayb someday, someday, i can actually be part of that gang.

One year left, i highly doubt so lol. I suppose we will part in separate ways.

Mayb i should jz use my time to play more games or invest in someone who cares rather then spending in on empty relationships lol. But one can hope, but hope is a dangerous thing to hold on to.

Life is hard. z.