slow, smooth but not steady.

Well, life has its own whims.

Today as I finished my work, I slowly floated back to my new flat. I watched some anime, I studied and... that's it? I have worked quite a bit, progressed through diff stages of life, and recently got a breakthrough and now on to a new one, which will changed again in another... let say 3 weeks?

Stability. That's what everybody wants, but when u achieved that, life gets a bit.... well, predictable. My life is fluctuating at a constant rate, so much that, when i suddenly came to a pause, i feel uneasy. I feel strangled and chained. Being a grownup that yearn for stability isnt a part of me, yet.

But i am not emo, i am just feeling a bit empty, or in a Malaysia's term:  SIENZ.

Well.

Thats y i am here again. I pushed this blog away cuz i am too busy, but i am still come back to it, hoping tat it will give me a chance to be whimsically eccentric.

I cant be bother to promote, or even venture other people's blog, i apologise for that, for those who link me and wad not. Lets keep this pace for now.

slow.

hopefully smooth

but not steady.

I love gay tutors

As a science student, you tended to meet various kind of tutors.

Being abroad and having a notorious racial identity(be it malaysian or chinese, or even japanese, there seems to be a negative connotation for some locals), you are bound to meet some tutors who always have this hidden disgust towards you. You can feel the hostility as they make you feel like the last person to be chosen in the team.Sometimes, gender matters too, as some tutors tend to favor girls. Despite your knowledge of certain matter, it doesn't really help. At all. Well, not tat i am always well prepared to be in tat situation lol.

Its rare,  I only have 3-4 encounters (i have meet more than twenty a year i think) throughout my studies. However, it will always be an everlasting experience, and a lingering sour taste in my mouth.

Hence, i am at the point where i will never pray for good nice tutors, for me, as long as the tutors don grind me with impossible questions like any infamous doctors you see in the asian community, i already thank my lucky stars and praise the powers of the beyond.

Now, i love gay tutors.

They are witty, they are funny and mostly of all they make you feel welcomed and not intimidated.

I don know whether it's me being bias since i am playing for the same team. Don get me wrong, there are some great straight tutors, but really you cant beat a gay tutor tat sings your name and prances around the room like a pixie despite being overweight. They are not afraid to destroy their masculinity and give some of the best facial expressions you would hav hope to see from Cam in Modern Family.

Another thing is tat it makes me relieve to see wad i can become in the next 20 years. Gay, married, having two cock-spaniel and being emotionally happy like any other normal human being.

Mayb not so much abt the overweight part. (.___.)

STOP CRYING When i stick a needle into you!!!!!!

Yup.

As you know being in a obstetric wards is like being in a whirlpool of colours. You hav the joys when you welcome a new life, the sadness when there's an absence of a heart beat, the hatred when the contraction starts, the gloom when you r awaiting surgery. You really know wad kind of emotional trainwreck you will encounter until the moment you pull open the curtains and take a good look at her facial expression.

So.

My doctor asked me to take some bloods from this new patient and obviously i obliged, thinking it will b another good practice.

As both of us introduced ourselves to the patient, i was standing rdy with the kit while the doc was talking to her. Her partner was present.

Then i started to realised her tear stained face and stricken demeanor. An uneasiness started to creep within me.  To my horror, as i listen to the doc, it seemed that she just had a miscarriage.

So, the doc finished consoling her and turned to me,:"this is bunny, he will be taking the bloods for you." The couple turned and looked at me, the girl manged to feign a smile.

So, awkwardly i struggle to prepare the kit. Calm down bunny, its just like any other blood vessel, i kept telling myself.

As i put the needle in, she just so happened to start sobbing quietly. I got more and more nervous, and it certainly did not help, i cant seem to find the bloods. As i continue maneuver the tip, she suddenly wail and scream and cried and DIVED into the partners arm, while the needle was freaking still in her arms.

Shocked, i quickly redrew the needle, put a plaster on her, apologised to the couple, ran away with tails between my legs. As i found the doc, she obviously noticed my horrified expression, and she quipped:"i know its a bit mean to let you do it, but i just want you to experience tat."

Boy, tat's rough z. Welcome to the maternity wards z

My wonderful bear (bragging alert!)

Woke up at 10pm with bear after a very long nap starting 3pm (yes we r sloths). 

Bear: dear you want to eat anything? 

Bunny: not really, not really hungry. 

Bear: I think you should eat Lo. Don worry I go and buy.

Bunny: errr.... Hmm.....

Bear: you wanna eat curry?

Bunny: nah, it's a bit strong for my taste at this hour.

Bear: I can go KFC 

Bunny: KFC.... Hmmmm ok!

Bear: wad dear want.

Bunny: I want only fried chicken, only thighs, plus two hot wings.

Bear: okay *gets rdy to get up* 

Bunny: oh wait dear. I want drink sirap Bandung (rose water) 

Bear: *stops* ah? 

Bunny: don worry, got the syrup here, but we don hav condensed milk so dear has to go and buy a

Bear: errr okay... *climbing out from bed*

Bunny: ah! 

Bear: *stops* wad? 

Bunny: I feel like eating ice cream oso. Dear might as well go buy la

Bear: Okay, wad flavour?

Bunny: errr just vanilla

Bear: Hagen darz?

Bunny: only if it has discount 

Bear: okay.... *leaving the bed*

Bunny: dear!! 

Bear: *stops* yeah? 

Bunny: I feel like eating mangoes oso! 

Bear: *pats bunny's head* I hav already bought tat hehe 

Bunny: waaaa 

Bear: here are some kit Kats in case u cannot wait for the food. *kisses cheeks*

Sometimes I questioned myself wad did I do to deserve him. Hehe oh and my appetite, tat too. 

Vaginas, vaginas everywhere

I am currently stationed in the land of vaginas. 

It's a land of mystical wonders.

Prior to the beginning if the rotation, a friend who knows I am gay grabbed my shoulder. Vincent, I have to warn you. It's gooey, bloody and disgusting and it usually fat, unattractive women, you had to put your fingers inside. You sure you r okay? 

Well... Not tat I am do much if I am not. -.-" 

I tell you.... It's.... Weird -.- 

*shivers* 

I find it a bit uncomfortable. But I guess if I am comfortable with the idea of ppl sticking their fingers in anuses, I suppose I should be okay with the idea of ppl stuffing down things into vaginas. I am not sexist lol. 

But don expect me to do tat willingly lolx 

A night after a party

hey guys its been a while since i posted something, cuz i am very busy with my rotation, will talk abt it sometime in the future.

Today its more of a genuine rant abt things, since it is my blog and despite how childish i felt abt this but i don really bother haha.

I was invited to a mini party ish gathering today for someone's birthday. This person... well i am not sure how to catergorise him, but i guess i will explore tat in the future, but yeah i was invited by his friends.

Throughout the party, I struggled a bit, i am not quite sure y. I was tired and uncomfortable, but i tried my best to mix around, so i guess its not obvious to other friends.

I think... the main problem is that... I felt alone in the whole party.

Our Asian batch was divided into two main fractions, the directs and the transfers (ppl who came into the batch in their third year). And i was the only one from the direct batch.

So....

Its kinda annoying to be honest, i was able to mixed with them, but I had to pretend to ignore their inside jokes, their tease with each other, their playful bickers, their sudden whispers so that I wont hear their mini secrets, their next grand plans of hanging out. The wave lengths are all wrong, and i had to tune myself.

I was welcomed, but was treated as an outsider at the same time. Then the cake came, and they presented their present to the birthday boy. All the joy while I just look on.

I do appreciate their gesture of including me, the sole dude from the other cohort to this gathering. But looking at them, from time to time, it makes me feel tat: whats the point? Why i have to put myself through this, i might as well go back to my comfort zone, with friends from my own fractions.

Even after a whole year.... (we r fourth year now) i guess things don really change. Then y bother?

At the end of the day, as i parted ways with all of them, i will still be alone, walking back to my home.

As the birthday boy went on hugging each and everyone of his friends out of thanks, i just silently moved out of the way, because i don think i deserved it and i doubt he noticed anyway.

Am i sad?

Am i disappointed?

Mayb i am. But mostly i am just tired.

But looking at the bright side, at least they invited me in the first place, mayb someday, someday, i can actually be part of that gang.

One year left, i highly doubt so lol. I suppose we will part in separate ways.

Mayb i should jz use my time to play more games or invest in someone who cares rather then spending in on empty relationships lol. But one can hope, but hope is a dangerous thing to hold on to.

Life is hard. z.

Happy 3 year anniversaryyy

Three years.

It's that long.

Long enuf to get married lol. No bear, I am not hinting anything hahahahhaha.

The future is still long and hard. I don't know how this bubble will maintain itself when we are no longer in the same country. 

I am afraid actually of the unknown past. But I should focus on the positive here. It's three years, it's quite a feat compare to a lot of couples (or ex couple) I know. 

So for now, bear I hope we have many more years to come. 

Happy three year anniversary.